I’ve been having such a hard time this past month or so. Just trying to keep my head above water. I am terrified of the future. Will I ever get out of the terror and despair? Will it ever settle down? I am clawing desperately for perspective again.
So I’ll try and write it here: my raw, vulnerable feelings, and my attempts at responses. Trying to soothe myself, trying to stay on balance.
Disappointment – I really wanted my ex to grow up a little from this experience; I really hoped he could become an adult and have a real adult relationship. I wanted some meaning to come from this, some growth. Response: I am putting my expectations onto him; it’s not really my place. His life is his choice. Maybe I’m actually ashamed that I picked him, ashamed that I spent so long with him. How could I have felt that I deserve so little?
Jealousy – I don’t want another woman mothering my children. They are my children; I don’t want them loving her more than they love me. Response: Intellectually I know that this is not going to happen; I am their mom, I’m the only one that can screw up my relationship with my kids, but I’m scared.
Loneliness – I wish I still had my friends – I wish they still wanted to be my friends. I wish I still had a therapist. Response: I need to look at who is there for me – I still have friends, and some new ones are moving into the spaces left by the old ones. I need to keep reaching out and keep on trying.
Bitterness – It’s such a cliche. My ex always made me feel fat and old and washed-up, and now he’s with a totally hot, skinny early 20s girlfriend. Guess it was true, he didn’t actually want me for me; I wasn’t good enough. He got a vasectomy so he wouldn’t have to have another kid with me, and now he’s got another one with her. Response: It’s good that I got out when I did. He is shallow, and vain, and would have continued to hurt me for the rest of my life. It wasn’t me. He can’t form deep loving relationships. I hope he doesn’t hurt his new girlfriend like he did me.
Match Penalty 
Match, this sounds so familiar that it breaks my heart. I can tell you what I have learned, but I can’t make you learn it – that’s your process, but you will, I swear, get to a much better place where you feel strong and those regrets and shame no longer eat away at you. No one is judging you the way that you are. Honestly, most people are too self absorbed to do so. It took me two years after my post marriage breakup to understand that. The loneliness would be happening even if you had friends beating down your door – that one is coming from within. I felt like a total freak show which made me feel so isolated. 20 year olds? They too will get old and saggy. My ex didn’t want more children either and now his child bride is pregnant. Doesn’t even faze me. You will get here too. And your kids may like her more than you for a bit because she is fresh and new and doesn’t discipline them – she’s their buddy – but it won’t last. When everyone settles into their roles, she won’t be so great and they will be your most loyal supporters and love you even more for doing what you do for them even when it’s really fucking hard.
Please don’t despair and don’t give up and ease up on yourself.
xo
Ditto what Southwest Singles said…it sucks…but it does get better…{{HUGS}}