He is going to leave. This thing that never got off the ground is going to end. I spent so many hours this spring agonizing over this, and he was all the time going to leave.
I need to find my center again. I wasn’t ready. All fall I wasn’t ready. When we went out at Christmas I wasn’t ready. When we went out in February I wasn’t ready. End of March was terrible, and I tried and tried to get over him in April. It worked, I was done, I was ok, we were chill, and then he came back and pulled me back in, just to tell me he is going to leave??? What the hell is going on in his head?
I need to know that he didn’t mean to mess with my head. I don’t even know if he realized that. Maybe he does now? He hasn’t texted me to play at all since we talked. He said, good to hear that, and then stopped communicating.
I need to make this decision. It is no longer good enough for me. I am so fucking weak though, if he texted me again I would be right back in it. How can I make myself strong enough to cut it off after I spent a whole year learning to be patient and accept the slow pace and keep myself open? How do you balance that?
How do you balance that – keeping yourself open to whatever happens, while also taking care of yourself? I don’t want to close myself off, but I can’t live with being hurt all the time. Maybe I need to ask myself why it hurts. What weight of expectations, projections, am I putting on this that don’t need to be there? Some part of me still believes that I can move the needle with my mind. I still haven’t given up control.
But, then again, how do I live like that and also tell someone honestly what I need in a relationship? This is so hard.
Yesterday was odd – I spent the morning just agonizing, in physical pain, for several hours, and then suddenly, magically, it lifted. The sense of relief felt literally magical. That is the part I need to learn to do deliberately. I can recognize it now as my old habit – my misery, the flashes of jealousy and envy and anger and just flat out pain – why pain? When it happens, I feel unloved, abandoned, alone, worthless, jealous. But why? When I know it’s ok? I forget during those hours. It’s ok to be rejected. He is great, he is not ready, he is not right for me now. Not enough for me. I don’t need the control, I need to just be able to see how it doesn’t work.
I think that is the next conversation. I need to tell him I know that. That he is great, that I like him, that he is not enough. I am scared to walk away knowing it might never come back together.